He dreamed about her laughing.
I dreamed about him burning.
He dreamed about her lying still as death.
I dreamed about him dancing.
I've been haunted by dreams of my dad since his sudden passing just over a year ago. I wake to cobwebs of his essence hanging over me, following me into the daylight hours - hidden in the corners of my heart, wispy and ethereal.
After startling awake with my pillow wet from crying in my sleep again, I asked my husband if he ever dreams of his mom like I dream of my dad... As it turns out, I'm not the only one who has grief come out sideways in the subconscious world.
Like bits of nightmare and fantasy, their memories clings to us. Night after night, we quietly dread the reliving of cancer, fire, destruction and decay. And yet... I think we each secretly await the midnight visitations - just so I can see my daddy's face again, just so he can see his mom one more time.
And although the dreams are more often bad than good, once in a while I swear God thins the veil between heaven and earth and lets my dad come through.
One month after my dad had died, a week after I had miscarried, and one day since my mother-in-law had brain surgery for incurable cancer, I dreamed of him.
He stood in front of me, clear as day, and said, "Hey baby girl". I started to cry and said, "Hey daddy, I really miss you and I wish you were here to help me through all this. Please help me daddy, I don't know what to do". He looked at me with such love, such compassion, and replied, "well I suggest that you cry or go outside, its a beautiful day". I looked up to the most stunning blue sky and white fluffy clouds. When I turned back to him, he was walking away down a dirt road, waving behind him.
“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge... That dreams are more powerful than facts. That hope always triumphs over experience. That laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death. ”
Have you ever wished for something so fully, dreamed of a moment so real, that it seems you should be able to will it into being?
When I close my eyes, I can see it all. I can see him. I can see heaven.
My dad's arms wide open. The feel of his whiskers on my forehead. The smell of pine and hard work. The knowledge that I'm finally home. My little girl running up to pull on my leg, a spitting image of her dad; a small voice saying, 'mom, come play!' The wide-open laugh of my mother-in-law as she twirls in fields of heavenly flowers.
"Hope triumphs over experience... love is stronger than death".
The ashes, the disease, are nothing in comparison to the hope of heaven, the love of a savior that promises to lead me home. Because of this I know that one day my best dreams will be reality and death will be nothing but the lingering cobweb of a nightmare in the dawning light of eternity.
“Then will the eyes of the blind be opened and the ears of the deaf unstopped.Then will the lame leap like a deer, and the mute tongue shout for joy... And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness; it will be for those who walk on that Way...and those the Lord has rescued will return.They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away.”
For though our souls were made, they were not made to cease.