I haven't seen my husband for more than 10 hours in the last two weeks; honestly, 10 hours. So when he walks in the door on Friday, I should be overjoyed. I should be filled with conversation and sweetness and joy and laughter.
Unfortunately, it didn't go quiet like that.
He walked in the door and the first things out of my mouth were errands we needed to run, chores to do around his parent's house, chastisement for buying new boat seats from that guy down the road, and complaints about how tired I was. My words were bitter and nagging. They were filled with irritation, accusation, and begging for a fight. My internal battles were becoming very real external battles with my spouse. My exhaustion was evolving into allegations. My stress was turning into criticism.
The thing with dynamite is that someone has to light the fuse. And I was a stick of dynamite waiting to go off, and my words were the match.
And the worst part of it is, I didn't hold my words back. I help up that fuse between us and I lit it. I knew what I was doing. I knew I was being unfair, knew that it would bring up all the intense emotions both of us had felt over the last three months, and I knew that it would hurt. Yet like a crazed, out of control person, I spoke it anyway. In that moment, I just simply didn't care. I wanted to feel the sting of anger, even if it was terribly misplaced and misdirected.
Jeff Lindsay once wrote, “I had killed our careful relationship by driving my tongue through its heart and pushing it off a cliff.”
Proverbs 12:18 says, "the words of the reckless pierce like swords...", Proverbs 15: 1, "a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger", James 3:5-6, "the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire..."
My life, my marriage, was set on fire by the match of my tongue. And if anyone knows how fast something can become engulfed in flame, its me.
The best way to avoid a burning relationship is to guard your mouth. But sometimes the match lights and how do you put out that kind of inferno before it does serious damage?
My sister-in-law texted me this verse just a few days ago, "Gracious words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones" (Proverbs 16:24).
Don't let anyone ever tell you that God doesn't have a sense of humor. I received those words within twenty-four hours of going full-out verbal arsonist. And in them is the key. Gracious words are not only sweet, they are healing. With the tongue you destroy, and with the tongue you can build back up.
Don't get me wrong, poisonous words can do terrible, terrible damage. Damage that may take years to heal. But don't underestimate the power of saying, "I'm sorry" or "I love you" or "I was wrong". These gracious words can begin to put out the fire and their honey can soothe the burns.
I've had my fare share of relational forest fires, more than I care to admit. And in the end, I have the power to light the match or to slather it in honey. I choose honey.